I felt it. I tapped into the unfathomable, untainted joy that I don’t think I’ve felt since a child. Yesterday was the first instance, as I drove my beloved Subaru up to the Berkshires. Destination: Kripalu. Everything was a green so vivid and rich, I could’ve been inside a watercolor painting, or maybe a high-definition photograph would be a better analogy. As I drove further away from denser populations, I felt my body melt. Shoulders, neck, fists. Everything unclenched and relaxed. I remembered my breath, it’s location and path. I noticed the quality of the air on my face, I recognized that the wrinkles between my brows disappeared. Everything soft and warm. Along some parts of my journey, nothing but the winding paved roads seemed touched. Places unimaginably unscathed by humans. My delight in this was obvious. I felt alone with nature, and that freed my spirit. It was back. My happiness, my lightness, my appreciation for details, for subtle movements, for life in it’s basic form. My proverbial well kept filling, rising higher and higher.
I reached Kripalu and felt the click of a lock open. It was me. I was open again. I was back. My heart, my softness, my joy, my self. This wasn’t a question of ego. It was simply a reunion with self-determination, passion, and peace. I checked in and felt on top of the world. The staff member informed me there was an envelope that was to be presented to me with my room key and welcome papers. I opened the envelope to find a gift certificate to be used for Healing arts. Love, Summer, Shannon, and Zile. My roommates from YTT. Again, my well filled higher. The gesture overwhelmed me with love.
Later, after getting my ass handed to me in a vigorous yoga class led by the anatomy genius Chris Holmes, my sweet Summer came to visit. We talked about life, love, work, travel, dreams, and everything in between. We chanted om gum ganapataye namaha and om namo bhagavate vasudevaya in the whirlpool. We grabbed some famous Kripalu cookies and headed to the 4th floor meditation room, where she led me in an 11-minute Kundalini meditation, which I hope to continue practicing for 40 days. Ong namo gurudev namo. Mudras were left hand on the heart with thumb pointing up and fingers pointing right, and right hand lifted with first finger and thumb touching.
She is an incredible human being, and brings laughter and love to everyone who crosses her path, I’m sure of it.
Fast forward to breakfast this morning. I sat in the silent dining room facing makeenac lake, gazing out over the pristine water and rolling mountains. The longer I sat, the longer I looked, warmth overcame me, body and soul. Electric light traveled through each artery, vein, organ, muscle fiber. Tears welled up in my eyes, stemming from nothing but pure joy. Words fall extremely short of what I experienced in that moment. But I knew without a single seed of doubt that this is where I want to be. Maybe not Kripalu specifically, but here. In this place of happiness. With nature. Away from the noise. In this space where I feel real, and whole, and full. This is me. This is mine. This is I. I am this.