Laziest title, ever, probably. I know. But sometimes, I just have to dive in. The title can hold me back, in the same way that compartmentalizing myself into one category holds me back.
You see, I tend to freak myself out when something in my life doesn’t go as planned, or is not as successful as I was hoping. I used to weave that into my sense of self, my view of my importance or value. Good thing that has shifted, or else I might always be stuck feeling like what I achieved is somehow attached to my worth. Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Worth is inherent. It doesn’t really matter what exactly I do with my life…so long as I am following my heart and not hurting anyone in the process. For a long time, I needed others to tell me what to do. I needed a map, a specific ending point, where the results would tell me whether I did well. Grades, “likes”, compliments, raises, promotions. These actually have nothing to do with my value.
Nice. So that’s out of the way and off my plate. Okay…I no longer have to care about what anyone thinks? Amazing. I don’t have to set limits for myself that are restrictive and confining? Yes! I have the ability to switch courses and take a different direction in life at the drop of a dime? Indeed.
I’m FINALLY giving myself permission to change my path at any time. If I want to write, I’ll do that. Maybe the next day I’ll want to do yoga. Great, I’ll do that. I will put on my big girl pants and show up to my big girl job, and be myself in that temporary role in my life. If I want to paint happy little trees with Bob Ross, you bet I’m going to do that.
If I want to wear pink stilettos, I will. If I want to be spiritual and zen, I will. If I want to be a businesswoman, I will. If I want to bake cookies or host a cocktail party, I will. If I want to be vegan, I will.
My point is, I’ve tried to put myself in one category for such a long time. That is impossible. There are so many layers to me. I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I simply was unable commit to one thing, or “figure out” who I was.
The kicker is, there’s nothing to figure out! I’m trying on different outfits. I’m playing dress-up in life, and I LOVE it. I get to be whoever I want to be.
Life is a highway, right? (yeah, I said that. I’m cool, but not too cool for a country music song every once in a while). I’m finally learning to enjoy the ride!